BLOOD, SWEAT AND TEARS...IT'S 2005

                                                                           2005

January 20 –  George W. Bush is inaugurated in Washington, D.C. for his second term as the 43rd President of the United States

February 9 –  An ETA car bomb injures at least 40 people at a conference centre in Madrid

February 10 –  North Korea announces that it possesses nuclear weapons as a protection against the hostility it feels from the United States

February 19 – Suicide bombers kill more than 30 people in Iraq as Shia Muslims mark Ashura, their holiest day

April 2 – Pope John Paul II dies; over 4 million people travel to the Vatican to mourn him

May 17 – Kuwaiti women are granted the right to vote

July 7 – Four terror attacks (3 on the London Underground and 1 on a bus) rock the transport network in London, killing 52 (not including the 4 bombers) and injuring over 700

The world population by 2005 was 6,453,628,000, the first few months of the year probably saw it drop significantly though. It was a bloody year and is probably sitting back in the lounge at the retirement home with the rest of the old years, repeatedly washing it's hands and wailing "Out, damn'd spot! out, I say!" so much blood was shed that year, it'll be a bitch to get the stains out.

Where was I when all this was happening?  I was on the Hilltown, where the sirens actually stopping is what causes people to lift their head and go "Huh?...wassup?"

I was alone, because single men are far less interesting to certain peope than married ones, and because if you then seek comfort in the arms of someone else who is just as fragile as yourself and then you fuck them over in your struggle to survive..they leave too.

I flailed around like a drowning man for a bit, after I came off the happy pills, after Dad had gone home shaking his head at my impossible debt situation and after Mum had returned to watch him slowly fade away, having had a revelation regarding 'Her boy' previously an angel but now..perhaps significantly less than one.

I managed to rent a one bedroom flat above the 'Snug' public house just off the main road down the 'Hilltown' You could still hear the sirens stopping from there, but it was quieter. The number of fights outside my front window was far less than it would have been if I'd rented a place on the main road...but then i'd not have had any windows to look through.

I haven't yet met Alison in London Nightclub, I am still drinking Jack Daniels too much and living off of Pot Noodle. The house has been sold, there were no funds left after the solicitors fees were paid, and I am back at work after a short break to be a bit mental for a while.

Aside from Alison, who inspires levels of affection and loyalty that previously had been 'acted ' rather than truly felt, there were, if I am honest, few Significant women in my life. I am not including my mother, or any Grandparents in the 'significant' bracket, as I am talking about 'Partners' long term or otherwise.

 I have not had a huge number of partners, and only the one 'one night stand' (a very surreal and awkward experience for one not use to casual sex and never repeated.) Most of my early couplings lasted a couple of years..my marriage at 21, lasted 13 years (two small affairs during the last 2 years) then after a short time alone, having a bit of a breakdown and drinking too much..Alison arrived on the scene.

  There was one person, out of them all however, whome..could I change things, I would not have treated so poorly during my own personal crisis. I would not have selfishly looked them up, I would not have offered them and their daughter somewhere to stay so that I could have company, only to pull the rug out from under them and leave them with no choice other than the homeless shelter when I moved out of what had been the family home. I would not have played 'daddy' no matter how briefly, to the little girl and given her any hint of a calm during their own personal storm. 

 I have done mildly cruel things during my life, who hasn't? but very few have I regretted as much as the way I treated this person in particular. Nothing I did was consciously cruel or designed to hurt her...it just went that way. It happened though, and the impact of my actions was severe. I am happy to carry that particular guilt around with me, because it will remind me never to make the same mistake again...although with any luck I will never have to. I even feel a bit of a wanker for mentioning it here..as if it makes any difference at all to the woman or her daughter, like it's going to make everything better because iv'e admitted I was a prick. It doesn't.  All I really want to do is ensure that she gets a mention. I am not going to tell you her name, there's no need. But I do hope she managed to survive her own personal crisis and the extra one I selfishly gave her. I admired her devotion to her daughter, She was like a Lioness with her cub at times, and would have done anything to secure a better life for her. I am sure she has managed to turn things around, I like to think she has done as well as I have..that she has found someone to care for her and the cub, found some stability and security. She helped me keep my sanity for a while, we linked hands and stopped eachother from falling over the edge and loosing the plot completely. Both newly seperated, both left with bugger all..it worked fine until I decide to let go and make a grab for the safety rope.

I was a dangerous Domino back then, and I was sending people in some poor directions as I toppled into them. Unlike dogs, who will hide any weakness or injury from the rest of the pack less they be abandoned..we Humans scream and cry and wail and moan so the whole bloody world can hear. Also unlike dogs, our love is seldom unconditional.