MUST TRY HARDER.

  Commitment

  Focus

  Direction

  Responsibility

  Maturity

  Restraint

  Ambition

 It's a list of things that have eluded me on and off for the better part of 40 years. Some of those things have constantly managed to stay outside my reach, others I have chased down and grappled on the dusty ground with on ocassion before they inevitably manage to slip out of my headlock and escape.

"Alright, listen up, people. Maturity and Responsibility have been on the run for ninety minutes. Average foot speed over uneven ground barring injuries is 4 miles-per-hour. That gives us a radius of six miles. What I want from each and every one of you is a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse in that area. Checkpoints go up at fifteen miles."

That's pretty much how it is.

I have made some significant headway with Responsibility and Commitment, but it's hard to be sure without the valuable feedback of a 'school report' I think my best excuse for not reaching my full potential is the absence of someone constantly feeding back to me just how much better I could have done. I miss having  MUST TRY HARDER written on my homework...I miss 5/10 'see me'.

 As soon as you escape from the rather short sighted and hobbled together experience that is compulsory education you are expected to self manage. After years of being told what to do, how to do it and why you are no good at doing it and never will be...suddenly you need to tell yourself those things.

 My problem was that the 'voices' in me, had no issues with my lack of focus, attention to the bigger picture or my rampant immaturity and carefree nature..I was pulling straight 'A's according to them, 10/10..on you go son. I never aspired to be a spaceman, or a teacher or a bloody train driver..I never aspired to be anything really, never have. I tended, as has already been covered, to let the Devil do the driving and take me wherever he felt like it.  He doesn't drive very often these days, but the damage is done..i'm so far away from the road I may as well just keep on bouncing over the rough terrain of 'should have tried harder'.

I'm not really complaining. There are distinct benefits to my inherant deficiencies.

For one, I can still spot an asshole a mile off, and am still able to tell them that I think theyr'e an asshole without feeling uncomfortable.

I still feel uncomfortable around dishonesty and what has become the acceptable lie of the workplace, whereby you are expected to sell an idea or a practise that is detrimental to many in order to secure, ultimately, better share prices for the investor.

Injustice bothers me, acceptable everyday injustice bothers me more.   

I could go on, because the list of things is long. I see more of certain things because I didn't 'try harder' to ignore them. I didn't sell my soul in order to secure a higher pay packet, there's the lack of Ambition for you. I didn't spend all of my life behind a desk and miss the adventure that only belongs to youth..there's the lack of Direction for you. I don't find it hard to get along with children, they don't remind me of how old I am and they are not alien creatures to me, in fact nobody plays hide and seek better than me! there's the lack of Maturity for you.

Sure it's a trade off, Im never going to own a yacht..or have a holiday home abroad. I'll always be a bit strapped for cash, and it's unlikely that i'll leave much of a legacy behind me. But I will always know an asshole when I see one, will always wince at the use of the word 'Genre' and I will always be proud to stand up and say out loud...2001 space odyssey was a shit film...it was so far up it's own arse that I could barely see the soles of it's spaceboots.

I am irresponsible as often as possible, Driven to avoid Drive, commited to choosing the wrong direction and focused on avoiding maturity for as long as is humanly possible.

I'll not be handing the car keys over to the Devil any time soon...there's no need.
He taught me how to drive.